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Faves
Books:
David Eddings's The Belgariad, The Mallorean, Belgarath the Sorcerer and Polgara the Sorceress
Colors:
Grey, green, purple, rainbow
Numbers:
14, 6211, 62101
Food:
Beef teriyaki from the Japanese place in the foodcourt here.
Friends
Kathleen, Robynn, Serena, Trish, Gary, Mike, Cristian, Drew, Scott, Melissa, Erin
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Wednesday, March 19, 200304:17 p.m.
Her eyes command immediate attention, not wickedly so, it's just the way they are. But I think
perhaps they command only my attention so thoroughly and so quickly. I do know that denying
her anything is quite possibly beyond my capabilities. I think about her perpetually, and the
vision I always see is that of her face, smiling benevolently at me, always from an angle that tells
the observer that I am looking up at her. And the vision that nearly always follows is that of
what my heart seems to call for whenever we happen to be only in each other's company, and
at times even when we are but two of a crowd. When I see that second image in my mind's
ever dramatic and romantic eye, I think that if I were to suffer eternal damnation and burn
forever in a hell worse than any man's words may describe as a direct result of my actions, it
would still be worth the moment of two of feeling her lips against mine.
The ever cynical side of myself inevitably asks, "And what if, were you to do this thing, she were
to remain completely unresponsive?" To which I can only reply, "Who would gainsay her in
such a display, or rather, lack thereof?" I certainly would not. And I know of none who would
say she were the fool of us two, were she to not return that ages old sign of affection.
To be sure, none would know the full depths of said affection, for such feelings may not be
conveyed in so simple an act, something so commonplace as to be unremarkable. It is only, I
am sure, when such an event takes place between those who share a deep connection that there
are the proverbial fireworks. I have been known, by one at least, to struggle with a self-
imposed rigid restraint when it comes to such activity. This stems from a deep-seated
conviction that under no circumstances do I ever have any kind of right to partake so richly of
the object of hours of dreaming and drifting thought. I expect nothing from such an exchange,
or more precisely nothing good, and rather am sure that the direct result will be rejection, if not
physical retaliation.
But the rejection I fear from such a boldly undertaken act is not so much that of having the
recipient assure me that they have no amorous feelings towards me, as the dread of that one
moment of decision resulting directly in the other party's immediate forsaking of everything to do
with me. I fear nothing more in this event, whether it is to occur or not, than to have her tell me
in no uncertain terms that I am to never so much as look at her again, let alone speak with her.
Granted, any who know her in the slightest will assure me that she would never do such a thing,
at least not for so small an offence. And I myself realize this as well, in part. However,
knowing this does little to allay my fear.
So what is one to do about such a fearful quandry as this? Am I to make the vain attempt to
content myself with those hours of envisioning that brief moment of fulfillment, knowing in my
heart, my very soul, that those images can never fully content me? Or am I to take the
proverbial dive, risk it all and hope the gods look favorably upon me, and make that one
decision that could change things between us forever? Am I willing to risk her good favor for
that instant of richness, that short span of time that I long for with silent suffering?
*****
Why is she so easy to love? Why is it that her eyes hold such power over my very soul, that a glance from her could
stop me in midstep? Were my hand raised to but reach a high place, her eyes could stop me long before I reached my
goal. And I would stop gladly, delighted that in stopping I was giving her something that she wanted. Would that
she saw fit to grant me more, a greater chance to do her bidding. She need not repay me, for I do it out of love, out
of a desire that burns like the fires of Hell itself to see that she remains happy. Does she not see that? Does she
not see how I want to do things for her, how I wish to fulfil her wishes and her whims to my utmost capacity to do
so? To serve her would be a priviledge, a thing to be cherished above all else save her gaze.
That gaze! Those eyes of a stormy blue grey hue that can convey so much without benefit of words; for truly, what
are words but the inane mouthings of one who cannot find a more adequate way to express these feelings, these
thoughts, these deepest emotions in a more accurate and heartfelt manner. I am but a fool, to think these words,
these strokes of a pen upon a sheet of paper like so many meaningless gestures to a blind man, can ever fully
convince one of the actuallity of what I feel, of the true nature of this need. For who but I and the gods can see
what is written upon my heart of hearts, the soul they gave to me, the core of my being which has no purpose but to
serve those such as she whom I love? I am a man created to do things for others, to see that others receive what it
is they need, what it is they want and desire. In nothing else do I find so much pleasure as in seeing that what I
have wrought has brought another joy, knowledge or some other measure of happiness.
And for her, this lady of the stormy eyes and the quiet strength and power, for her these things manifest a hundred
times more strongly, a hundred time the need to do as she asks, even without her uttering so much as an empty
syllable to request it. Would that I could read her thoughts, that her breath might not be wasted upon such inquiries
as to what it is she requires, that I could save her that immeasurably small amount of effort simply by being able to
look at her and know what it is she wishes of me.
Those eyes, how they watch me, though we be miles from each other in physical proximity. How they keep watch over
my every action, as if by some divinve power she knew everything that happened, every word I uttered and every deed
I did. I have but to close my eyes to see those tempestuous eyes as they met mine one morning. A morning that
haunts me even now, though the results be of no consequence to either of us. How she held sway over my entire
being with those eyes. Were it not for her, I surely would have gone mad, I surely would have given up all hope for
recovery. At any given moment I have but to pause and think a moment to hear her voice, soft but strong, gentle
but commanding, her words piercing through the pain and the fear to let me know what it was she wanted me to do.
A morning of magic and connection, something that I can never hope to experiance again, though I strive for it.
Nothing can surpass the feelings that morning, and it makes me wonder what the true nature of this newly discovered
bond really is. Is it what I've been searching for since as long as I can remember? I have it on the best of
authority that it spans lifetimes, rather than a mere few days, or even weeks, though it was that morning that I
discovered it. Or am I perhaps hoping for too much from something that in actuallity is nothing more than the
common bond between two people who care about each other, in even the most platonic sense? Dare i believe that it
is what I feel it to be? I am told that when I meet that person, that one for whom I was designed specifically, I
will know it without a doubt. Does my fear of disappointment then mean that it cannot possibly be this person, this
lady of the quiet power, for whom I exist? I want it so much to be the truth. Is my desire for her to be that one
person so strong that I would delude myself into making more of this connection than it really is?
Sunday, March 9, 200310:02 p.m.
I want her to take control of me.
I want her to fasten a tight collar around my neck and tug on it from time to time.
I want her to handcuff me to the bed while she taunts me, never touching me, never letting me touch her, just doing things she knows turn me on.
I want her to torment me by making sexual noises in my ear, but not letting me elicit them from her.
I want to hear her explain what she wants to do to me, what she wants me to do to her.
I want her to bite me. I want her to bite my arms, my shoulders, my neck. Lightly at first, then gradually harder, leaving marks.
I want her to kiss me. Teasingly, then deeper, more passionately.
And then stop. Nothing more.
Friday, February 14, 200308:54 a.m.
So. This is where I've decided to bitch about some stuff. If you've found this any way other than having bookmarked it earlier and you know me IRL, then feel special. I'm trying not to make a huge to-do about this.
So. Last night was the Women's Center benefit performance of the Vagin Monologues. I was the tech crew. There was no way we were gonna finish in time for me to get home without waiting half an hour in Pompton Lakes to freeze in the below freezing weather, which I refused to do if possible to avoid. So. I mentioned this to some people. One of them lives in the apartments and offered to have me over for the night, because in the apartments you can have people any night of the week, whereas in the res halls you can only have people Fridays and Saturdays. Sounded like a plan to me. So I told my dad that's what I was doing and left him the extension etc. Turns out on Wednesday, I stayed home sick because I had a stomach virus. Funness, I know. So I didn't talk to the person I was gonna stay with because I wasn't on campus.
So I get on campus yesterday morning. And I wanna make sure that everything is still going as planned for me to stay over with this person. But since I get to school at the ungodly hour of 7:30am, I waited till, like, 11 something or so. Probably later than that, actually. Can't get in touch with them. Not answering the cell, and the one time they do, we get disconnected after like 15 seconds. Damn reception around here.
So in that short amount of time, I hadn't had a chance to ask if things were still on. So I tried calling back. No answer. Waited awhile, called again, left a message, never heard back etc etc etc.
So. A friend in the dorms offers to sneak me in for the night because I can't seem to get a hold of this first person I was supposed to stay with. Person #2 knows Person #1. And apparantly, Person #1 may possibly think I've been hitting on them.
Ok, time for self-defense. I hit on her one night. That was it, and it was in a vague sort of way that I wasn't even sure they were catching on to. They certainly didn't seem like it, then again they could've been pretending. Ya never know.
I'm told I flirt alot. That alot of people get the impression that I'm hitting on them. In truth, I don't usually hit on people I actually like, because I'm afraid of how they'll react if they know I like them. What it really is people are seeing, is me being the tactile, affectionate person I am. Quite frankly, if I'm open enough with you to be joking around the way I do, chances are I trust you at least moderately as a friend. Point being, IT'S THE WAY I AM. IT ISN'T SOMETHING I CAN CHANGE. Which people don't seem to understand. So.
My plan. Act differently. Anything that could possibly be construed as me hitting on someone, stops. For today. We'll see if people realize the difference and realize that I'm just being who I am, and that I'm prolly not the greatest company otherwise.
People need to calm down. They need to stop assuming that b/c they are biologically female and I'm a biological female attracted to females, I must automatically be hitting on them. Granted, I can't help it if I'm attracted to someone. Again, it isn't something that can be changed. But I will be so forward as to say that I have higher morals than to hit on every attractive person I meet.
Saturday, February 1, 200302:00 p.m.
FUCK NJ TRANSIT...
Granted the problem was directly my fault, but still. They never travel in straight lines or in any semblence of a pattern in time. Argh.
Anyways. Today is my youngest cousin Vincent's birthday. He's 9 today, making him my "ten-year difference" I'll explain it another time. It's also K-chan's birthday, so...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAREN!!! She's a whole two decades old.
What else is there? I got my hair cut. ^.^ I love it. I can make it stand up with just some hairspray. And Mido-chan says that I passed really really well yesterday, with my hair quasi-spiked, in black jeans and a black tshirt under a tan and grey Hawaiian shirt and purple sunglasses. I was so happy. It means binding actually worked yesterday. *gives a 21 gun salute to Ace bandages*
Without going too deep into it, I will say this... You know you like someone when you miss them after not seeing them for a day. Then again, that isn't the only indicator, since that would mean you liked all your friends as more than such. Anyways. It was just a theory.
So I somehow had a better day yesterday than I did the rest of the week. Part of it, I think, was being able to talk to Daisy (she's the counselor in the counseling center at school I go to) and vent and shit. I think the haircut and feeling like I could pass helped too. And talking to Des on Thursday also helped. I realize I say this rather often, but
REI-CHAN! AISHITERU, IMOUTO-CHAN!
And you know damn well precisely how I mean that.
Anyways. That's about it.
Saturday, January 25, 200306:50 p.m.
I started my spring semester this past Tuesday and got totally overwhelmed with shizzat to do right from day one. Anyways.
To update the various occurances of the past four days or so.
I met a chick on Wednesday. To make a long story short, I figured I'd ask her to lunch, it didn't work the way I wanted it to, and she hit on Jenn the whole time. Which should make for an interesting situation because I like Jenn too, and Jenn knows it, and there's just all kinds of stuff. Argh.
And while I've wanted Jazmin (not to be confused with liking her "like that") after around 1 1/2 - 2 hrs of playing with each others' hair and stuff (she called it petting but it wasn't technically sexual) I definitely wanted her even more. Then she hadda go to class. That was Thursday, btw. I kissed her hand before I sat up so she could get up. I'm a hopeless romantic. Anyways.
The trans thing is going fairly well. People are starting to use "he" and my new name. Except that I have no intentions of telling my Japanese professor about it. That class isn't really one where we interact much. Anyways.
My classes in general seem like they'll be better than last semester. I may test out of my basic math course on Tuesday when I take the Challenge test. I need 20 out of 30 questions right to get out of it *crosses fingers*.
I got somewhat pissed at Jay-san one day for perpetually interrupting me and Des (my good friend, Jay's gf) to make up random things that vaguely resembled what Des and I were saying in German (we use German when no one else can understand it, or when those that can are of no threat). But he apologized yesterday. He seemed to genuinely feel bad. Of course I forgave him and got over it. ^.^ It's the way I am.
So some of my emotional problems are resolved from last semester. Some, mind you, and nowhere near all. I had time over break to straighten out exactly how I feel about certain people.
~ While I still really like Jenn, I no longer am convinced that I'm falling in love with her.
~ I still really like Karen, but I'm just gonna hafta deal with the fact that she doesn't like me like that. I can be okay with that. We're still friends.
~ I still really really like Taylor. Nothing I can do about that. However, since Taylor is also transitioning from female to male, what does that make me orientation wise? Des says "Ambiguous"
~ Speaking of Des. I definitely just like her as a good friend (dare I say, really good friend?). She's the kinda person I can talk to about just about anything, as well as the kind of person I wanna protect from everything harsh. I felt really bad that she felt bad about me being mad at Jay-san. (Yes that made sense.)
~ I still love Kathleen. But she hasn't been answering IM's lately, so I dunno what's up with that.
~ I still like Kayti. But I dunno if she's still with Dom or not, so I dunno what to do about that.
~ Then there come the people that I want, as in physically, but that I doubt I would ever go out with, even though I think they're great people. Aka, Jazmin and Lauren. For some reason (their bf's aside) I can't imagine having a relationship with either of them. I dunno.
So. There are still things to think about, but not so many that they are all I think about. And there are those things that I haven't listed here, because I haven't figured them out enough to write.
All in all a fairly productive week. I finally got the key to the office the Alliance for Sexuality and Gender Diversity (AFSGD, of which I am the President) will share with the Feminist Collective (of which I am a member and friend of mine is the President). Took long enough. I started making staging notes for the Vagina Monologues. And I'm actually doing the readings and stuff for my classes. Hopefully I'll have time to update more often.
Friday, January 17, 200308:02 p.m.
Took the Belief-o-Matic test on www.beliefnet.com. You answer questions about your beliefs and it matches you with various religions to various extents based on the answers. Here are my results.
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (88%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (88%)
4. Orthodox Quaker (86%)
5. Hinduism (84%)
6. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (84%)
7. New Age (83%)
8. Reform Judaism (78%)
9. Liberal Quakers (76%)
10. New Thought (74%)
11. Scientology (73%)
12. Sikhism (71%)
13. Seventh Day Adventist (71%)
14. Mahayana Buddhism (70%)
15. Eastern Orthodox (69%)
16. Roman Catholic (69%)
17. Orthodox Judaism (68%)
18. Theravada Buddhism (63%)
19. Jainism (61%)
20. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (60%)
21. Islam (57%)
22. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (56%)
23. Bahá'í Faith (48%)
24. Secular Humanism (48%)
25. Taoism (48%)
26. Nontheist (34%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (33%)
Friday, January 10, 200309:12 p.m.
QUIZZES!!!
What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
Uhm, wtf?
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
The fact that's it's listed as a "dysfunctional" care bear is highly offensive, but the writing almost makes up for it.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
which eye are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
oh so true
What's YOUR Writing Style?
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Saturday, January 4, 200309:43 p.m.
Yoinked it from my friend's journal. Enjoy...
*~ Just the Facts~*
Full Name: birth name? Kristen Marie P********
B-day: 1/18/84, Capricorn
Age: 18, 19 in a few weeks
Siblings: Dennis James Jr. Aleksi Nikole
Pets: Dun have one... wait, do brothers count?
~*Fav's*~
Fav. Color(s)? silver, green, grey
Fav. TV show? West Wing, even if I haven't seen it since last season
Fav Music? I'll listen to just about anything, except really bad rap
Fav. Song? Ever? Wing Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler... at the moment, tho, I'm liking Keep Fishin' by Weezer
Fav. Singer/ Band? Singer, Billy Joel Band, Bon Jovi
Fav. Sport to watch? Soccer or volleyball or DDR
Fav. Sport to play? DDR, volleyball
Fav. Holiday? Thanksgiving, actually
Fav. name? Lordy... there's just too many... Israfel and Adlai are up there at the moment
Fav. animal? WOLVES *howls*
~* This or That *~
Pepsi or Coke? Pepsi (though I think I change that every time I answer it...)
Day or Night? nightRead or Write? Both
Short or Tall? Tall... it's an envy thing
Taken or Single? single and looking
Lefty or Righty? right handedRain or Shine? Shine shine shine
Kiss or Hug? Depends on the person
Lake or Pool? Pool always
City or Country? Country
Movies at home or in the theatre? Theatre just because I almost never see movies in the theatre
Family or Friends? Friends and my grandmother
~* All About You *~
Parents together? nope
Know anyone that likes you? uhm... well... that's what I'm told, but I have low self esteem
What do you want in a bf/gf? Not sure
Do you want to get married? dunno yet
Do you want to have kids? never
How Many? Good question. nada, zip, zero, ziltch
Have you found the "one"? Yes, she just doesn't agree
Ever been in Love? yes
Ever been Kissed? yeah
Got drunk? Not yet
Had sex? nope
Have you smoked? smoked what? cigarettes? yes. weed? also yes. that's all though
Ever been peirced anywhere? just my ears
Broken any bones? Nope
Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? Scotland and Ireland
Think you'll ever get drunk in your life? Yeah
Who's your bestfriend? At home, Robynn and Kathleen. On campus, prolly Des and K-chan
What friend have you known the longest of the same sex? Robynn
What friend have you known the longest of the opposite sex? Uhm... I think Johnny
~* The Odd balls*~
Believe in superstions? yeah
Believe in God? yep, all of them
Believe in Aliens? yes
Ever seen a UFO? nah
Ever wished you were ET? ...what?
~* Friends *~
Weirdest? ALL OF THEM lol
Loudest? Sarah
Most annoying? none
Cutest? Not going there
Hottest? DEFS not going there
Funniest? K-chan and Taylor, defs
Tallest? P-chan
Shortest? Lo-chan
Sweetest/Nicest? everyone =)
Friday, December 27, 200201:41 p.m.
Well. I've been doing some reading and stuff about online journaling and weblogging and stuff and I', trying to really get into it. Gods know I have enough of the things. So. To try and get some more traffic to my things, here's a list of them...
www.teenopendiary.com - In the box where you can jump to a specific journal, type LoneWolfCapt that's me
www.freeopendiary.com - In the same box as above, type RainbowWolf that's also me
www.mobynuke.net/gavriel - which is mostly where I'm collecting favorite poems and stuff
www.my-journal.com - Do a search for Gavriel Adlai
www.myjamby.com - Search for Gavriel... there's nothing there as of yet, I don't think...
www.upsaid.com - Search for Gavriel07
http://gavrielk.scribble.nu
Those are all of them. I try to update them as much as I can. Oh, if you have a livejournal and have code to spare, do me a favor and email me? Please? Thanks much.
Wednesday, December 25, 200208:47 p.m.
Merry Christmas Y'all.
Meanwhile back on the ranch....
So. I think that I shall try to list what I got for Christmas. Wrong? Perhaps. Do I care? Not right now, not particularly. *shrugs* Dun like it, dun read it.
Cell phone (Virgin Mobile)
Wolf Calendar
Willy P Sweatshirt, hat, soup mug and mug
Wolf sweatshirt
5 pair of toe socks (I love toe socks)
3 pair other socks
2 pair pajama pants
Money and Gift Checks
9 CD's (Shakira "Laundry Service", Weezer "Maladroit", the first Blink 182, Bon Jovi "Bounce" and 5 classical, Back, Beethovan, Chopin, Vivaldi and Strauss)
Chopsticks (2 pair reusable)
Money thingy's for my phone
The Complete Poems and Tales of Edgar Allen Poe
4 books (Pearls of Lutra, Lord Brocktree, Mattemeo, Legend of Luke, all by Brian Jacques)
And that's what I can think of right now. And that's more than I expected, all things considered.
On another note. George Gordon, Lord Byron is my all-time favorite poet, even more than Poe. So here's one of my favorite poems by Byron.
My Soul Is Dark
My soul is dark - Oh! quickly string
The harp I yet can brook to hear;
And let thy gentle fingers fling
Its melting murmurs o'er mine ear.
If in this heart a hope be dear,
That sound shall charm it forth again:
If in these eyes there lurk a tear,
'Twill flow, and cease to burn my brain.
But bid the strain be wild and deep,
Nor let thy notes of joy be first:
I tell thee, minstrel, I must weep,
Or else this heavy heart will burst;
For it hath been by sorrow nursed,
And ached in sleepless silence, long;
And now 'tis doomed to know the worst,
And break at once - or yield to song.
Sunday, December 22, 200210:32 p.m.
Well. Perhaps since school is out for a month I'll write a bit more often. I'm sure you're all quite thrilled and impressed, but please try to keep fanmail to a minimum, as I have much hibernation to get done before 1/21/03. (note the facetiousness in that particular statement)
In any event. I'm missing a few people a whole lot. Granted, I miss all my friends, it's the way I am. And being isolated in this gods-forsaken corner of nowhere doesn't help. Add in bad weather to someone with SAD, and you have quite a justifiable reason for hibernation. But as I was saying, there are a few people I miss especially. I'm sure these people know who they are. Considering I left a very clear warning in my profile that if people dun wanna know things they shouldn't read, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and actually say precisely what I mean, as oppossed to beating around the bush.
I miss Taylor like hell. He's so quiet but hilariously funny. Unassuming but somehow so observant and wise. He somehow manages to know exactly when to be serious and when to be casual and when to use humor to lighten a situation and just... just exist and allow others to exist. *sigh*
Then there's Jenn. (Jenn if you're reading this, don't you dare go awkward on me, get mad at me, or randomly stop talking to me until you've ASKED me about it.) Jenn, for whom I am falling. I KNOW I shouldn't. I'm not really all that stupid, believe it or not. I KNOW I have no chance in hell with her. But then, feelings and emotions aren't something you can change when they cease to be convenient for you. Actions one can control, and I do. I have never once done something irreversible with the foreknowledge that something would go wrong. But that doesn't mean I can control how I feel, about anything, but especially about people. And I won't hide it. I refuse.
Thirdly, there's K-chan. (Again, don't you dare go awkward on me, get mad at me or randomly stop talking to me before talking to me about it.) I really really like her. She doesn't like me. Are we surprised? Not in the slightest. I do have some slight form of foresight, after all. Anyways. I can deal with that. Gods know I've done it before. Again, controlling actions doesn't necessarily mean I can control my feelings. So K-chan, on the off-chance you read this, my profoundest apologies for my heart. If I could change things, and that would make you happy, I'd do it before you could blink. As it is, I can only apologize and do whatever it is I can.
Well. That was enlightening, yes? BTW, all those "don't go awkward on me" etc warnings. Those were put there because in the past people have done precisely those things when they found out I had feelings for them. They were in no way intended to reflect my opinion of those people they were addressed to. My opinions of how people will react to certain circumstances and how I think they think/feel of/about me are the few opinions I try to keep to myself. People tend to get offended when I suggest that they are "like all the rest." I can't possibly imagine why...
Friday, December 20, 200202:42 p.m.
Your name spelled backwards.
Sirk
Where were your parents born.
Dunno
Heart Broken.
Perpetually...
What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Moonlight Shadow from DDR 5th Mix last night. I heart that song
Last time you swam in a pool?
Last summer
Do you believe in yourself?
Sometimes.
Have you ever been in a school play?
Not in a school play. I did backstage. And I was in 7 church musicals
How many kids do you want?
None, thank you
Type of music you dislike most?
Hard rap
Are you registered to vote?
Registered yes, but haven't voted yet
Do you have cable?
Yes, thank the gods
Have you ever ridden on a moped?
not that I recall
Do you like the ocean?
S'ok I guess. I used to love it, now it's not such a big deal.
Unrequited love?
In my live, as opposed to what kind?
Ever prank call anybody?
No, I was too mature for that tyvm
Ever get a parking ticket?
Can't get a ticket if you dun have a car to park
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Not on your life kid
Furthest place you ever traveled.
Scotland and England
Last time you cried
Shortly after midterms b/c someone was making my life miserable
Do you have a garden?
No. I want an herb garden though
Does everyone deserve a second chance?
Depends on what they did to blow the first one
What's your favorite comic strip?
Dun have one
Biggest regret?
Not wou'd think
Do you have any enemies?
I'm sure I do, but I can't say that I care. Their loss
Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Yes of course.
Once a cheater always a cheater?
Yes
Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Shower, morning usually
Best movie you've seen in the past month?
The Others was on HBO this weekend. Great movie
Favorite pizza topping?
Mushrooms and pepperoni
Chips or popcorn?
Chips, unless it's cheddar cheese popcorn
What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Um no
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
Is that possible? I haven't done it. Sounds interesting tho, and prolly cheaper than various other things.
Have you ever punched anyone in the face?
Lightly in the forehead in 6th grade. What? She was picking on me!
Have you ever been in a beauty pagent?
Argh, bad memories
Orange Juice or Apple?
Depends on the brand
Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Erm. I went to the diner a couple weeks ago with Robynn. And Friendly's with the fam while school shopping in Sept
Favorite type of chocolate bar?
Twix or 3 Musketeers
When was the last time you voted at the polls?
Haven't
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Prolly this summer
Have you ever won a trophy?
Yeah, I have 3 soccer trophies
Are you a good cook?
Depends on what it is you want me to cook
Is there anyone at the moment who makes your heart beat faster?
YES! *coughKatcoughJenncoughKarencoughTaylorcoughcoughcough*
Do you know how to pump your own gas?
That's illegal in New Jersey, so no I don't
Ever order an article from an infomercial?
No
Is birth control worth it?
I think it's a personal choice not to be influenced by other people's opinions
Sprite or 7-up?
Sprite
Will you love again?
Sometimes I wonder....
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
A uniform shirt at Auschwitz.. I mean, A&P
Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Not a clue
Ever throw up in public?
No, thank the gods
Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
True love...
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, been there done that
Who was the last person you kissed?
For real? Heather. On the cheek, Devin or Kayti
Ever call a 1-900 number?
Nope
Can exes be friends?
Not in my life. Then again I've only had one. I guess it depends on why, precisely, they are you ex
Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
Robynn, last year when she had the calcium deposit thingy
When was the last time you were in love?
Well. I've been in love with Kathleen for months. And I'm falling for someone else
Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
Dunno
What message is on your answering machine?
I don't have an answering machine.
What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
Haven't watched it enough to know
What was the name of your first pet?
Tiger
What is in your purse?
Dun carry one, being a tranny boy and all. In my bag are mints, cough drops, a tiny notebook thingy and bus schedules
How many songs do you have downloaded onto your hard drive?
I dunno
Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Read
What is one thing you are grateful for today?
Instant Messanger
Enlightening, yes? I rather thought so myself.
Sunday, December 15, 200209:29 p.m.
So. What's new, we ask? Nothing good, really. Well, one thing that could be both good and bad. I'm beginning to transition. Starting with enforcing the male pronoun and my new name. Except for at home and at church, neither place being one where I could do so, not right now anyway. But defs at school. I've been telling people. Sometimes I get mad nervous. Which I think totally makes sense. One never knows how people will react to it. I already know that some people are having/will have a hard time with it. No names mentioned.
And... I'm falling for someone. Slowly but inexorably. I shouldn't. I have no chance, she told me so. But I can't help it. This sucks. I'd do almost anything for her. She thinks it's just physical, I'm sure. Argh. I don't know what to doooooo about it. Rrrrrrrrr.
*howls forlornly*
Friday, December 13, 200212:32 p.m.
QUIZZES!!!!
What is your primary Magic: The Gathering color?
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Magic Card Personality Quiz
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I find that one interesting...
What Kind of Anime Character Are You?
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Which Fave Anime Character Are You?
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What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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LMFAO!!!!
What charecter from the anime slayers would be your freind
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What's Your Anime Theme Song?
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Sunday, December 8, 200210:57 p.m.
Magic Card Personality Quiz
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Woohoo, I'm a Tim!
Sunday, December 8, 200210:07 p.m.
I dunno why I feel like posting in moods like this. I hurt. I always hurt anymore...
Sources say Kathleen's defs not my soulmate. That should prolly make me feel better b/c it means I'm not fated to belong to her heart and never have her. In actuality I hurt like hell. I can't even explain it. And apparantly I'm just not dateable. No, no one said so in as many words. But those few people I know who aren't straight or taken simply don't want me. Well what else am I supposed to think? That they're the ones screwed up? Right. B/c it's part of my nature to blame everyone else. (notes the sarcasm)
Argh.
I should just give it up. It gets me nothing but pain and more loneliness.
*howls all wolf-like*
Saturday, November 9, 200201:06 p.m.
Yo. Wow I'm updating. I would write more often, but I'm insanely busy sometimes.
So Heather is being icreasingly bitchy to me. One of these days, and it won't be long, she's gonna say something and I'm totally gonna go off on her. That should prove intriguing.
Eli and I are the same. Still just "friends with benefits." Which is ok, I guess. I just wish we could have something that meant more. I mean, we act like it already, why not make it official? *sigh*
Devin worries me. He smokes up and trips and drinks way too much. But there's nothing I can do about it, so what am I supposed to do?
I really like Taylor, and it only grows everytime I see her. Which is almost every day. Lovely. I really like Jenn too, but I steer clear of thinking about that too much b/c she's straight.*larger sigh* I thought all this would change in college. Guess not...
Tuesday, November 5, 200211:05 p.m.
well. eli. we talked. funness. he says he really likes me, and he likes what we're doing and doesn't wanna stop, but he doesn't want me to get hurt either. i dunno. i can tell right now that it isn't gonna go anywhere. at least, not anywhere i want it to go. but will i tell him that? will i end it where it is, and save myself the pain later on, when he chooses one of those other two chicks over me? no, i won't, because that's the way i am. i'm gonna end up hurt either way, so why not make it later than sooner? right, as if that makes any logical sense at all. but then again, whoever accused me of being logical?
anyway. i made an ass of myself in front of taylor last night. she was doing the LGBTQA bulletin board in the women's center, and asked what we (we being me and meghan) thought of it. i says "i like it tay." tay? as in short for taylor? where the fuck did that come from? i haven't a friggin clue. but to make it worse was my own reaction to it. i'm like "i can't believe i just said that." and taylor and meghan couldn't figure out why it was such a big deal. so after taylor went to class, i'm like "i totally can't believe i said that." and meghan still didn't understand why it was a big deal. so i'm like "it wouldn't be, except that i really really like her." so. i dunno. if taylor didn't know that before, she may now, and i dunno how that would go over. i mean, like meghan told me, she isn't the kind of person to get bent out of shape about that. but still. i dun wanna risk the good environment of the women's center b/c of it.
amorous feelings suck. i can't even say "love sucks" b/c i'm not really in love with any of them. except kathleen, but that's another story altogether. rrrrrrrrrrrrr
Friday, November 1, 200209:30 p.m.
*crows all victoriously Peter Pan-like* THE ALLIANCE FOR SEXUALITY AND GENDER DIVERSITY AT WILLIAM PATERSON UNIVERSITY OF NEW JERSEY IS NOW AN OFFICIALLY CHARTERED ORGANIZATION OF THE WILLIAM PATERSON STUDENT GOVERNMENT ASSOCIATION.
Aight, what that basically means is that we are an official group and that SGA will give us money if we ask for it and we get more recognition. It also means that I will no longer have to rifle through the Feminist Collective's mailbox for AFSGD mail @_@
And then, in other news, there is Eli. Eli, Eli, Eli. My first kiss (10/29/02 around 4pm in the Women's Center at school). And Lordy will my friends be all confused. We aren't official though, cuz he's in the middle of a few other confusing girl situations, so we're waiting to see what happens.
But I like him. How strange is that? Devin was picking on me. "The President of the gay club is dating a guy!" he says. I'm like, "Shut up, we're not dating, dun pick on me." He was just kidding with me though, so it's all good.
*sigh* Anyway. We'll see what happens. People keep telling me I'm confused, but I'm not, really. I've decided that rather than try and be like "I'm gay, no I"m bi, no, wait..." I'll just be me. And if people don't like that?
Fuck 'em. *shrugs*
Thursday, October 24, 200201:58 p.m.
things are still really really busy. i got a 74 on my comm midterm... at least i passed. the highest grade in the class was an 80 so i dun feel too bad about it. i have an intro to philosophy midterm tomorrow that should be fairly easy.
i am now the pro bono lgbt intern at my school's women's center. so b/t that and being prez of the lgbt group (as yet unnamed, tho that should change tonight) i'm up to my ears in queers (lol i rhymed!) not to mention that the people i hang out with are almost exclusively queer, or so supportive that they may as well be queer.
i am having some probs with my emotions. there are like 5 ppl that i'm interested in, and chances are i can't have any of them. one i already know doesn't want me. one has a bf. one is looking for a bf, but she's bi so i dunno. one claims to be str8. one is 7 yrs older and in a polyamorous relationship of 3 yrs so i dunno if that could work out. one i'm still confused about. so i dunno. i think i'm just gonna give up on amorous feelings altogether and just be by myself. i've done it almost all my life (minus 2 1/2 months) so i should be used to it @_@ right.
Wednesday, October 16, 200205:40 p.m.
So we're leaving for supper soon. But I guess I'll at least start telling y'all the Heather story.
Okay, so Jay introduced us several weeks ago. It wasn't a big deal. Then she started coming to the LGBTQA meetings and we started running into each other and other people from the group and having supper together and stuff. So I realize I like her. I tell a couple of my friends, because I'm still in the mode where people I talk to automatically know what they can and can't tell others, even though I should know better than that. So someone (I won't say who, but it's all straightened out now) told her I liked her, although apparantly she knew long before they told her. She picked up vibes or something she said. So I started worrying about what to do about it, because I'm not used to liking people I have at least a statistical chance with. So finally I decide I'm gonna give up women altogether (which I may still do, since the other person I like hooked up with someone else last night, and I'm not sure I can or should be with someone who randomly hooks up) and this afternoon after meeting with Devin (Angela never showed) to do the group's new constitution, we talked about it, and I let her know that I wasn't gonna do anything about it because I'm not that kind of person and that I just didn't want her to feel weird around me because of it. She said that it won't be weird for her because she's had a lot of friends like her in the past and only once ever had a problem with it. And she said she doesn't wanna do the going out with someone right now, which I assured her I understood. So things are all good now. Which is a good thing because the last thing I need is problems within my friends. So we're gonna just stay friends. At least for now. I guess we'll see what happens in the future.
Anyway, I gotta call Devin and we gotta go eat.
Wednesday, October 16, 200205:22 a.m.
wow. i haven't written here in a really long time. guess that's what happens when you find excuses to stay late at school more often than not. a lot has happened too, but y'all have to wait till i have time to really explain all of it to you. :P
one thing i will mention. we're trying to get our LGBTQA group back into the Student Gov't Association, so they'll give us money to hold events and stuff. Well to do it, we needed to elect officers, so we had open nominations at last week's meeting. So Heather (more on Heather later) got randomly nominated for VP, Devin nominated himself for Treasurer (I love Devin, he's such a sweetheart, actually I'm typing this from his comp in his dorm room right now ^.^ ) And a new girl named Angela nominated herself for Secretary since she was already doing that anyway. So no one wanted to be President. So I indulged in a moment of self-centeredness and nominated myself. No one protested, so here I am. We're headed out to meet Angela and Heather (can't wait to explain *that* little situation) to write up a new constitution for the group, since apparantly no one has a copy of the old one. :P Funness.
Anyways. I'm sure you all miss me terribly, but I've finally found a group of ppl (all queer in some way) that I can hang out with, totally be open and myself, and not have anyone having a fit over it. And there's the added benefit of being able to hit on anyone there, not mean it, and have them *know* I don't mean it.
Anyways. We're on our way out. We'll prolly end up having a cigarette on the way ^.^() Yeah, no lectures please. I got enough of those from other people, including ppl who are smokers (as opposed to ppl who smoke, since there is a difference). Parliament menthol lights. Yeah, so.
Monday, September 30, 200210:21 p.m.
Writing # 6 - (last one for tonight)
I want to hear her voice. I want to pick up the phone and hear her tell me who it is. I want to feel my heart do backflips in my chest as I realize who I'm talking to. I want to tell her quietly, nervously, that I love her. I want to hear her say that she loves me, too, and ignore the fact that she means it a different way. I want to hear her laugh at one of my sorry excuses for a joke. I want to hear all those things she says in print. I want to hear her tell me she cares, that I'm good at rp. I want to learn the inflections of her voice. I want to be able to tell by the sound of her voice what she's thinking, what she's feeling. I want to hear her voice, to give me one more piece of her to hold in my mind.
Monday, September 30, 200210:14 p.m.
Writing # 5 -
I want to protect her. I want to punish any and all who hurt her, insult her, offer her less than the utmost respect. I want to stand between her and any harmm, be it a hand, a bullet, an insult. I want to bear life's every pain and injury, so that she never need know how much it can hurt. I want to bear scars, earned by defending her. I want to die for her, to spill out my lifeblood to save hers. I want to go out in a blaze of bloody glory, all for her whose name will be the last thing I ever say, and whose face will be the last image in my mind.
Monday, September 30, 200210:12 p.m.
Writing # 4 -
I want to marry her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to stand at an alter and watch her come down the aidle. I want to live with her in domestic harmony. I want to laugh with her in good times, to hold her or be held by her in bad times. I want to give her everything she needs and wants. I want to vow "for better, for worse" and have it mean exactly that. I want to wake up each morning with her in my arms, and fall asleep each night the same way. I want to see a weding ring on my hand every time I use it. I want to grow old with her, and lover faithfully and unfailingly to the end of days. I want to be buried with her, there to rest till Christ comes again for us.
Monday, September 30, 200209:49 p.m.
Writing # 3 -
I want to go home to her. I want to sit at the table with her, listening avidly to the events of her day. I want to help with the evening chores, to wash the dishes, take out the garbage. I want to move the heavy armchair for her, so that she doesn't get hurt. I want to smile as she lightly punches my arm and assures me she could've done it herself. I want to lay with her on the couch, watching a black and white romance movie with the sound turned low. I want to feel the back of the couch against my back, to feel her back against my chest. I want to rest my hand lightly on her waist, just above her hip. I want to smell the sweet scent of her hair right in the front of my face as we pretend to concentrate on the movie. I want her to stop pretending, to turn and face me, take my face in her hands and kiss me fiercely. I want her to seduce me with lips and tongue until I beg her to let me demonstrate how much I love her.
Monday, September 30, 200209:43 p.m.
Writing # 2 -
I want to walk along a quiet country road with her. I want to feel her hand in mine, fingers entwined. I want to randomly raise her hand to my lips, to kiss it softly as our eyes meet, blue and grey, with emotions that need no words passing between us. I want to see her smile at me, making my heart soar and my soul sing. I want to sit with her on a wooden dock at a quiet lake, after dark, the only noise that of the dock creaking beneath us. I want her to lean against my chest, head resting on my shoulder. I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her to me gently, but protectively. I want to look down as she tilts her head to look up at me. I want to lean down and kiss her, deeply and slowly, submerging myself in her. I want to whisper to her in that unrelieved darkness that I'll always love her, come what may.
Monday, September 30, 200209:38 p.m.
Writing # 1 -
I want to kiss her. I want hers to be the first lips to meet mine. I want it to start soft and gentle. I want it to slowly grow more passionate, more fervent. I want her to gradually kiss me deeper. I want her to tarce my lips with her tongue, seducing her way inward. I want to surrender control to her, allow her to do as she wishes with me. I want to feel her tongue caressing mine as her hands caress my body. I want to feel her pressed gently against me, soft and sensitive, but in command and owning me. I want to feel her smoorth skin slide softly against mine, setting my nerves afire. I want to her kiss me until we're both out of breath, to pull away reluctantly, then return to other.
Monday, September 30, 200209:30 p.m.
I did a lot of writing during and b/t classes today... some things are always on my mind.... anyways, I'm gonna post the things I wrote, each in a seperate entry, but after I finish about my day
So I talked to Tyler about being trans and passing and stuff. He was a sweetheart about it. I was glad someone I knew was gonna be honest and upfront w/me about it.
I also talked to Devin, and he says he's gonna have a Gay Party this Friday night in his dorm room. That should prove interesting, if I get to go. We may also hang out b/t classes tomorrow. I think we both find it refreshing to be around someone who's gay so it isn't an issues unless we want it to be.
And I played DDR with Jay. He's better at it than I am. He set his on easy and I set mine on standard, so he did a lot better than me on each song. But b/t us, we managed to clear the first four of the five songs you get for your dollar... well, 5 songs if you clear each one. It was hot in the arcade, and I know I made an ass of myself, but it was fun. I hurt for a while till I sat down, but I survived. Maybe I can get Devin to try it with me tomorrow... on easy.
So. On to the day's writings. Bear with the repetition in most of them; it was an attempt at a certain style to achieve a certain effect.
Sunday, September 29, 200207:04 p.m.
BTW, I just archived, b/c the page was gettin too long. Hope it worked right... Erin, lemme know if it didn't.
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